The question..

I always find myself sitting in the same position.. With my legs on the chair and my arms wrapped around them. Like I want to make sure I 'll remain in one piece... Or to make sure that there is someone always hugging me. I close my eyes and try to visualize who I am to become.. There's only white noise. I can't see it, I can't dream it, I can't feel it, I can't taste it. I keep changing who I am to become as I keep changing who I am today. 

Someone told me that we assume one identity with one person, and then once they start getting to know us, we change into another identity. So that no one can ever truly know us- because we truly are no one. 

I want to be someone, someone specific, with specific properties, obvious and undeniable - I already am someone. And I think I want another person to get to know who that someone really is. I think I would like that. That sense of giving control, that sense of unconditionality. It hasn't happened yet so I can't be sure. The real question is would I ever let it?

So I think, and I try to visualize it and assist it to surface. And I take deep breaths and try to calm my racing heartbeat. Which happens for no reason. I sit and think and suddenly my heart is pounding in my chest. Like it wants to roam the world freely. And I tell my self that this time it's going to be different. This time I will say what I really want to, and act just the way I want to. Not in reference to something else, not in response to someone else. Just what I want to.

Without calculating the consequences.

And then, with my eyes closed and my arms wrapped around my legs I find myself staring at the hardest question.. Can we ever really change?